Fighting my demons

March 10, 2016personal journal3 min read

This entry will be different. It has been a long time struggle for me and all the time I thought that I’ve got this. That I have it under control and I’m making progress. But it’s not entirely true and here is why.

1. Procrastination

Probably like everybody else I’m wasting definitely too much time on the Internet. Especially on Facebook, Reddit and Feedly. It’s a loop, that’s hard to escape. Fear of missing out (FOMO) creates this strange feeling of anxiety, thinking I may miss some next big thing, some opportunity, something.

But isn’t it more like a dead end? I’m just looking next something while I already have that. I’ve just realized. I’ve got 5 projects in my personal pipeline. Some are sitting there for about a year. What could be better for me, than bringing them to life?

2. My body & fitness

I’ve always considered myself as a fit person. I tell myself that I live a healthy lifestyle. Because I run, because I’m eating a vegan diet or exercise from time to time. But deep inside I’ve got this strange feeling. Like in Inception, an idea was planted in and I knew that I’m not fully right about it.

Almost every time I look at me – I’m not happy about how I look or how I feel about it. I feel weak, I’ve got bad posture. I’ve got too much fat, yet I am too skinny. Maybe I’m able to run for longer distances – and that makes me happy – but it obviously not enough to be in shape. I also tend to skip meals, often eats processed foods and also occasionally also not adhering to my diet, eating pizza or sushi.

What is it, then, what prevents me from being on the right path. I know that I’m often too lazy, to go out for a run. I excuse myself, that I’m too tired to go to the gym. Because it’s too late, or because I don’t have time. Well, fuck, I’d better make that time.

3. Dreads of making big steps

I’ve settled somehow. I’m no longer making bigger changes, taking risks, fighting or moving things around. I was just chasing every day with not much of a purpose. Sure, there were small goals here and there. The achievements that I’m proud of, moments that I’ll never forget. But somehow, I feel that we’re slowing down. And this is not what I want from my life.

There are next steps that are waiting for us to do. We want to move to the big city of London, to travel the world, to live in interesting places.

This blog has so many empty pages that could be filled with memories, photos, and thoughts.

To persevere, I think, is important for everybody
Don’t give up. Don’t give in
There’s always an answer to everything

–Louis Zamperi

I won’t give up!

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